JimmyDoo & The Chairman of the Board
by JellyBean30
Summary: Parody. Crazy & somewhat stupid fic with House & Co. as the Scooby gang.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a very short and completely ridiculous fic wherein the House characters take on the roles of the Scooby gang. It is utterly stupid, but got a few laughs elsewhere so I thought I'd try it out here.

Disclaimer: I don't own House or any of the characters. Good thing, too. Look what I do to them.

**Jimmy-Doo and the Chairman of the Board**

**Chapter 1**

It was a quiet day at PPTH. Jimmy-Doo, also known as Boy Wonder Oncologist or Dr. James Wilson, and his best friend (and some said master) Dr. Greg House were in the cafeteria sharing a bag of potato chips. (Well, if by sharing you meant that Jimmy paid for them and then House stole them.) As House ate the last of the chips, he dropped the bag but before it could reach the table, Jimmy snatched it. He turned it inside out to lick off the grease and any chip crumbs that might be stuck inside. Being House's bestest pal in the whole wide world was hungry work, what with all the food pilfering.

House stood up and limped out of the cafeteria, with Jimmy following dutifully behind. House entered the diagnostic conference room to find the rest of his gang all waiting around for a case to turn up.

There was Chase, or Fred as House sometimes called him when he couldn't be bothered to try to remember his name. Chase was a pretty-boy, always fussing with his wavy, golden locks. For someone so concerned with his looks, Chase had extraordinarily odd taste in clothes. Today, for example, he was wearing blue pants and white shirt; normal enough, if it weren't for the orange ascot he'd added. _An ascot?_ House thought. _I know he's British _**(Australian actually, Chase's thought-voice interjected)**_ but that's pushing it._ Chase wasn't the brightest of the gang, but that didn't stop him from trying his hardest.

Next to Chase was Foreman. Foreman longed to be tough guy (probably left over from his gang days) and House had recently taken to calling him Velma just to get under his skin. Of all House's gang, though, Foreman was probably the smartest. Or at the very least, if you wanted a long and complicated explanation of something that you'd only half understand, Foreman was your guy.

Finally there was Cameron. Allison Daphne Cameron. Cameron was a pretty girl, with long and flowing hair. She normally dressed very conservatively, but for some reason today was wearing a ridiculously short purple dress and go-go boots. For the moment, Cameron was Chase's girl. House was having a hard time figuring that out. Cameron was pretty and smart; she could do way better than Chase. In fact, sometimes Cameron seemed downright annoyed with him for being a little slow on the uptake. House concluded it was probably a matter of convenience. He was there and he would do. Like microwave pizza.

The five of them sat and stared at the currently blank whiteboard, affectionately nicknamed The Mystery Machine (even though it wasn't mechanical) and waited for something to happen. Something always did.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Reminder, this is completely stupid. You have been forewarned, so no flames!**

Chapter 2

Sure enough, a few minutes later Dr. Cuddy walked into the office. Dr. Cuddy was the Dean of Medicine at PPTH. House had once likened her to a Hollywood madam, showing off her assets to attract donors to the hospital. The rest of the gang thought of her more like the caretaker at an amusement park, always there to keep an eye on the craziness going on around her.

"Hey look, you guys, it's Cuddles," House said, his voice cracking slightly for some strange reason. (Is a crackling voice a symptom of Vicodin abuse?) The rest of the gang greeted the Dean with a chorus of 'Hi Dr. Cuddy', except Jimmy, who drooled and panted a little.

"Boy am I glad you guys are here," Dr. Cuddy said. "There have been some really strange and creepy things going on around here lately."

"Creepy?" Jimmy asked, quivering.

"What kinds of things?" Chase asked, eager for a mystery to solve.

"Well, something has been scaring the nurses about no more overtime," Dr. Cuddy explained. "And a few of the doctors have mentioned … drug trials."

"Drug trials?" asked House hopefully. "Like, you mean we get to try out new drugs and stuff? Groovy."

"No, House," Foreman said. "Drug trials are when large pharmaceutical companies look for patients with specific diseases because they've developed investigational drugs for their treatment. The pharmaceutical companies then recruit doctors at various hospitals to seek out patients who meet the criteria and test the effectiveness of the drugs."

"Zoinks!" said House. "That sounds boring."

"It's not just boring," Dr. Cuddy told House. "It can also be dangerous for a hospital. If the drug trials are being pushed on the doctors, some patients might not get the treatment they need just because they don't qualify for a trial."

"Jinkies! That sounds awful," Foreman said.

"Oh Chase, we have to do something," Cameron cried.

"What do you think is responsible for this, Dr. Cuddy?" Chase asked.

"Well, I'm not sure if I believe it, but there's always been talk that these sorts of things can happen when there's … a new Chairman of the Board," Dr. Cuddy said dramatically.

"Ch-ch-ch-chairman of the Board?" House and Jimmy asked together, knees knocking in fear. A new chairman of the board meant budget cuts, which meant less nurses for Jimmy to drool over. It also meant wearing a lab coat and showing up at work before noon.

"Scary stuff, man," House said.

"If you guys could find the new chairman of the board, we might be able to get him voted out before it's too late," Dr. Cuddy said, pleading.

"Well gang, it looks like we have a mystery to solve," House said.

"Hey, that's supposed to be my line," Chase grumbled.

"Oh Chase," Cameron sighed.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Let's split up," Chase suggested. "It'll be the easiest way to scope out the hospital and find out what's really going on."

"You don't think there's really a new chairman of the board?" Cameron asked him.

"Of course not," Chase scoffed. "Cameron and I will take the top two floors. Foreman, you can take the second and third. That leaves House and Wilson to check out the first floor and the basement."

"But the OB lounge isn't on the first floor," House protested.

"No, you'll be searching the morgue and the labs," Chase said. "And of course, the clinic."

"Oh no!" House asserted. "I'm not going anywhere near the clinic. It's scary in there." Jimmy nodded emphatically. The nurses in the clinic were too catty. (Jimmy hated cats.)

Chase, Foreman and Cameron all looked at each other, knowing what would have to be done.

"Would you do it for a Jimmy-Snack?" Foreman asked, as he produced a pouch of macadamia nut cookies from his lab coat pocket.

Jimmy bounded across the room and tackled Foreman, pawing and sniffing at him to get at the cookies. During the scuffle, House limped over and snatched the bag of cookies from Foreman and upended it over his waiting mouth. Once the package was open and Jimmy could smell the cookies, he released Foreman and began pawing at House. House tossed him a few cookies, which Jimmy caught mid-air.

"Come on, Jimmy," House said as he limped out of the room, rubbing his tummy happily and Jimmy followed smacking his lips.

* * *

House and Jimmy were standing outside the clinic, not going inside to search.

"I really don't think we should go in there," House said. He was leery of the clinic at all times. After all, it was full of sick people!

"Come on," Jimmy said, and bounded into the clinic so happy that his stomach was full of macadamia nut cookies not even catty nurses could scare him. House groaned and limped in behind him.

He found Jimmy at the nurse's station with most of his arm inside the candy jar, trying to grab out the last of the lollipops. His finger successfully snagged the stick and he withdrew his arm from the jar, panting and drooling in anticipation. He ripped the wrapper off the sucker and just as he was about to place the tantalizing treat in his mouth …

"Thanks Jimmy," House said as he snatched it from his hands and popped it into his own mouth. Jimmy whimpered in dismay.

House looked about and saw nothing but the usual collection of nurses in the clinic. Jimmy growled low in the back of his throat. (Did I mention he hated cats?)

"Well, this doesn't look so scary," House said. Just as the words were out of his mouth, he heard the most terrifying sound he'd ever heard.

_Sniff. Sniff. Sniffle. Snuffle._

"Yikes! Clinic patients!" House screamed in terror. House and Jimmy high-tailed it out of the clinic.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This story gets stupider by the chapter. Fair warning, it may suck out some your brain cells just to make it through...**

Chapter 4

House and Jimmy arrived breathless at the conference room. Foreman was already there waiting for them. Chase and Cameron arrived a moment later, also breathless and slightly disheveled, although no one seemed to notice.

"Foreman," House frowned, "since when do you wear glasses?"

"Since the kids in the oncology ward blew glitter in my eyes and I had to take out my contacts," Foreman answered, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he spoke.

"I guess those bald-headed dying kids aren't a complete waste after all," House mused.

"So gang, did anybody find any clues?" Chase asked.

House and Jimmy looked at each other sheepishly. They'd left the clinic in such a hurry they'd hadn't even bothered looking for any clues. Of course, no one else had either. _Typical_, House thought.

Just then, Jimmy's nose began to twitch. He stood up from his seat and sniffed the air. He walked slowly out of the conference room and started sniffing in the hall. The gang got up to follow. Jimmy's nose (not his Johnson, for once) led him to the nurse's locker room.

One a bench in the middle of the room sat plate of freshly baked snicker doodles. Jimmy bounded across the room and gobbled the entire plate, not even noticing the note that drifted from the bench to the floor.

"Nice," grumbled House. "Couldn't even spare one for your bestest bud?" Jimmy whimpered guiltily.

"A clue!" Cameron shouted, and grabbed the note off the floor.

"What's it say?" Chase asked.

**_House & Co._**

_**Resistance is futile.**_

**_The Chairman_**

_**P.S. House- your whiskers are next!**_

"It's written from Dr. Cuddy's prescription pad," Cameron gasped. House was stroking his whiskers fondly, as was Jimmy. "And there's a long brown hair on the floor."

"You mean… Dr. Cuddy is the Chairman?" Chase asked confused.

"No way, man," House said. "That's like, totally crazy!"

"There's only one way to find out," Foreman said.

"Have Dr. Cuddy and Cameron wrestle in a pool of Jell-O until Cuddy confesses?" House asked hopefully. Chase and Foreman's eyes glazed over at the mental image.

"Jell-O?" Jimmy asked, his ears perking at the mention of food.

"No," Chase said, shaking his head (while mentally calculating how much Jell-O he'd need to fill his bath tub) "We'll set a trap. And I know just who we'll use for bait."

* * *

"I have a bad feeling about this, Fred," House said, standing outside the clinic doors.

"It's Chase."

"Whatever."

"House, you go inside and hide out behind one of the exam room doors," Foreman explained again. "Jimmy will tell one of the nurses that you're being mean to a patient. The Chairman will come running in to fire you. When he runs into the room, you slam the door and lock him in."

"What could possibly go wrong?" Chase asked. Even Jimmy rolled his eyes that time.

"How about you wait for the Chairman, and Jimmy and I head for the cafeteria?" House inquired. Jimmy nodded and rubbed his tummy for emphasis.

"Would you do it for a Jimmy-Snack?" Foreman asked. House and Jimmy both shook their heads no. "Two Jimmy-Snacks?" Jimmy caved, eagerly snatching the two cookies Foreman tossed into the air. House wasn't budging. Cameron and Foreman looked at each other quickly, and Foreman nodded.

"House," Cameron said. "Would you do it … for a Vicodin?" She produced a small brown bottle from her lab coat and rattled it House's direction. House's mouth dropped open in breathless anticipation. Cameron flipped one of the little white pills to him. House caught it in his mouth and swallowed.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Finally the insanity is over. I'm sure I could have stretched this out longer, but it was really taxing the edge of funny already. Thanks for reading!**

Chapter 5

House was hidden behind the door of exam room one, crouching down as best as a man with a bum leg can. Jimmy was in the clinic growling at one of he nurses. Foreman, Chase and Cameron had scattered and hidden themselves in the clinic and lobby.

Suddenly, the clinic doors crashed open and the Chairman of the Board appeared. He was a very large, very bald, very mean looking black man. Jimmy watching him pass the nurse's station and head for exam room one. The Chairman entered the exam room and House quickly slammed the door closed. Rather stupidly, House had closed the door from the wrong side and was now trapped with the Chairman.

"Yikes!" House shouted. He wrenched the door open and rushed into the hall, where he collided with Foreman.

"Oh, no!" Foreman cried, falling to his knees. "My glasses!"

House, chased by the Chairman, hobbled as quickly as possible in and out of the different exam rooms, carefully avoiding Foreman, who was now searching the floor with his hands for his glasses.

When House opened the door to exam room four, he was greeted with the site of Chase and Cameron making out rather sweatily. Both House and the Chairman paused to watch for a minute before the feeling of eyes on them caused Chase and Cameron to stop. House looked disappointed, but as the Chairman shook his head to wipe out the images of the two doctors (as most Hameron shippers will be doing), House, Chase and Cameron bolted.

Meanwhile, Jimmy had finally gathered up the courage to peek out from beneath a potted plant when he was spotted by the cattiest of all the clinic nurses, Nurse Katie! Scrambling to get his legs underneath him, Jimmy took off running for the safety of the shadow of House's cane.

"Finally, my glasses," Foreman said, settling them on his nose just in time to see Jimmy hurtling toward him. "Jimmy, no!" Foreman shouted, but he was too late. Jimmy crashed into Foreman and the two tumbled down the hall. Chase and Cameron, crossing the hall, were caught up in the collision. When House saw the jumble of arms and legs in front of him, he stepped to the side and stuck out his cane. The Chairman lumbered down the hall and House hooked his leg with his cane. The Chairman collapsed into the pile, and in the confusion Jimmy ended up straddling the Chairman's chest.

* * *

The gang stood assembled in the lobby of the hospital, as the real members of the board instructed security to remove 'The Chairman' from the premises.

"Hold on a minute," House called out, stopping the security guards.

"Time to see who the real Chairman is," Chase said. "Dr. Cuddy!" he shouted triumphantly.

"Yes?" Dr. Cuddy said from behind Chase. Chase looked crestfallen, while Cameron shook her head.

"Like, geez Chase," House whined. House reached forward and pulled of the Chairman's mask to reveal …

"Evil Nurse Brenda!" the crowd gasped.

"Oh Brenda, but why?" Cuddy asked.

"I wanted to eliminate the younger, more attractive nurses (Jimmy cried) and schedule all my shifts to work with Dr. House (House retched)," Brenda wailed. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for …"

"You meddling docs," House finished for her. "Yeah, yeah, heard it. Who's hungry?"

And everybody laughed.

* * *

**Closing theme song (Sing along, you know the tune!)**

Jimmy, Jimmy-Doo

Where are you?

You've got some work to do now

Jimmy, Jimmy-Doo

I need some help from you now

Come on, Jimmy-Doo

I see you, pretending not to quiver

You're not fooling me,

I can see, you don't just care about my liver

You know I've got a mystery to solve

So Jimmy-Doo get ready to react, Don't hold back

And Jimmy-Doo if you come through

Maybe I won't steal your Jimmy-Snack

Jimmy, Jimmy-Doo

Here are you

You're ready and you're willin'

I can count on you, Jimmy-Doo, although I act the villain


End file.
